WHO
WE ARE
COURSES
TIPS & HELP
ARTICLES
RESEARCH
NEWSLETTER
MEDIA
RESOURCES
COUPLES
EVALUATION
CONTRIBUTE
CONTACT
HOME
FOR
FURTHER INFORMATION PLEASE CALL
0117 924 1480
OR EMAIL
INFO@BCFT.CO.UK
|
How to make things work better if you're struggling
How not to hurt each other (STOP signs) How
to listen How to help your relationship survive Christmas (pdf) HOW TO RECOVER FROM CRISIS Dear troubled, I want to offer you a real message of hope. If that sounds patronising or empty, please bear with me and read a little further. It might help you to know that my wife Kate and I have been through dire straits ourselves. Back in 1994, we looked like a terrific couple to the outside world. We were young and healthy. We'd been married 8 years and had 2 beautiful young girls. We lived in Asia where I had built a successful business career. We had a thriving social life with lots of friends. But on the inside, we were a mess. In our marriage, we were living more as flatmates than as intimate friends and lovers. We had grown apart and this brought us to the very brink of divorce. We had so little time for each other that it was hard to sit down and discuss anything on our own for even five minutes in a day. Yet today we are more happily married than ever before. We still have ups and downs, though. Actually we can be pretty volatile together. Our ups are very up and our downs are very down! But our marriage is secure because we've learnt that ups and downs are normal. We've learnt how to talk and listen to each other. We've learnt how to live with our differences. We've learnt how to let each other be different and not let it ruin our marriage. And we've clearly got a lot to learn yet. May I reassure you that we are very far from perfect! In our arguments we often forget everything we've ever learnt about how to argue constructively. In the heat of the moment, we blow it like many people do. Sometimes these arguments can simmer on for a few days. But we have also learnt how to recover from these times by saying sorry and forgiving. One of us will always break the ice by saying sorry and forgiving. Often this ends with laughter as we realise we've been behaving like two sulking children. We decide to let issues go because no single issue is ever worth busting our marriage apart. From near divorce, we've learnt that it is really possible to rebuild something new and stronger than we ever had before.
When things are bad, as perhaps they are for you right now, you probably can't see any way out. Our story is all very well for us. But how can we know your situation? I understand that. I tell our story in brief only to show that there are ways out. People have trodden the path you are treading. If you've looked at some of the articles and research on this website, you'll know that divorce is not a great answer to marriage difficulties. See "amicable divorce" in the articles section and "happiness" in the research section. Unless pots and pans are being thrown, neither adults nor children end up better off after separation or divorce. Many do much worse in lots of ways. Sure, most of us cope and build new lives. But the fact that human beings are resilient doesn't mean we should take advantage by simply accepting divorce as OK. It's not. I know this too because I'm a child of divorce myself. As a child of divorce, I've been successful in different careers but I carry my wounds and scars on the inside. The only person to see the effect of those scars is Kate. It comes out in my most intimate relationship. That's the core reason why Kate and I nearly got divorced. The way I dealt with divorce as a child was by deciding "it was better not to feel". But not feeling means you can't relate to people fully. So I had few close friends in my childhood. As an adult, my friends were not MY friends but OUR friends. I didn't really have much of a clue how to relate. I didn't even know how to rate our marriage, good or bad, better or worse than average. I thought it might have been OK but I didn't really know. When Kate told me we were in trouble, that was the first solid indication I had of where we really stood. I can remember it vividly now. So I have some idea of what you might be going through. It's a very unsafe place. You become desperate to find any place that is safer. But that's not the way. Learning to make your own place safe is the better way. Let's assume you might be prepared to try one more thing. What can I tell you that will give you your best chance of reconnecting with the person you presumably once loved? Please trust me for at least a little while and don't go to a lawyer or a counsellor. Both lawyers and counsellors tend to focus more on what's best for you as an individual and not what's best for your marriage. As soon as you value the individual more than the relationship, you end up fighting each other instead of fighting for your marriage. Paradoxically, our best interests are served by living in relationship rather than on our own. I am not knocking lawyers and counsellors as valued professionals. But the nature of their expertise on behalf of individuals is rarely appropriate for resolving relationship difficulties. Couples with relationship difficulties need to do two things above all:
Even if you can't get your spouse to learn, you can make a big difference on your own. "It takes only ONE to tango". If you don't believe that, think of it this way. You know exactly what words to say or what little flicks of behaviour will send your relationship into a downward spiral, don't you? Congratulations. You did that on your own. So surely it's possible to learn how to say things or behave differently so that the process spirals upwards? Of course it is. How do you discuss your differences now? Does a dispute about some tiny issue suddenly turn into threats to leave? Do you put each other down instead of hearing each other out and dealing with the issue? Do you assume your spouse is out to get you (which is almost certainly not true)? Does one or both of you walk away when the going gets tough? Persistent avoidance of problems is the single biggest predictor of divorce. If you never argue, you probably never talk. You start living separate lives because you're no longer connecting with each other. What kind of a relationship is that? If you can see yourself in any of these situations, then learning some simple skills will definitely help you a great deal. What I'm telling you is that you can learn how to handle your inevitable differences far better than you are doing now. Now I have four highly practical steps you can take. I'm going to assume for now that it's just you who wants to save the marriage. That's OK. Steps 1 & 2 will hopefully lead you to a place where you can both decide to take Steps 3 & 4. Practical step #1 However hard it seems, you need to start by committing to your marriage. Right now your marriage is going wrong. Most couples who end up divorcing do so because they have "grown apart". "I just don't love you any more". That is a pretty pathetic excuse. Whatever happened to "in sickness and in health, for better for worse, for richer for poorer"? What kind of commitment is that? Love is a decision, not a feeling. It's an action, something you choose to do. If you choose to see your spouse positively, you can bet your behaviour will be more positive. Your spouse will quite likely bask in the glow and your relationship will benefit. If you won't do that because you think your spouse will take advantage of your generosity, what kind of love is that? You two got together in the first place by valuing one another regardless of what each other did or said. I bet you behaved pretty well then and your feelings were terrific then. So do it again now. Be a team again. Start by choosing to value your marriage. If you didn't already know this, you will soon find out that when you value something with your head, your behaviour and your feelings follow close behind. Love (the feeling) follows love (the decision). Sure, your spouse may well have behaved badly toward you. You hurt like mad. But when you choose to value your marriage, you'll discover you're more willing to forgive the pain of the past and look to a more hopeful future. Practical step #2 Practical step #3
We only have arguments because we are different. We're man and woman for starters. John Gray has made so much money out of his book series "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" precisely because of this simple observation. Some couples are more different and have to work harder to live with their differences. Other couples are more compatible. They may have similar family backgrounds, beliefs, values or personalities. But if only we knew how to talk and listen so that we felt understood, we could more easily learn to accept our differences, big or small. There are some easy options here. First, read the rest of this tips section. Most couples split up because they have grown apart. It may be that you are not spending time together, being interested in one another, wearing each others shoes. It may be that one of you doesn't listen and really hear what the other is saying. It may be that you're hurting each other when you have something important to talk about. It may be that you're failing to value one another in a way that will be received. The articles I've written will give you some quick tips in all of these areas. There are more ideas in the articles section. Second, ask us for a leaflet about our Listening Loving Laughing course. See the courses section. Much of what goes wrong in most relationships can be sorted out through better communication, better handling of differences and better attitude. LLL will take you through practical ways of doing all of these things better. I hope you'll be amazed at how eye-opening these ideas are. "At last he's really listening to me". "Now I understand how we're so different". "I know how to make her feel valued". The course will prove fruitful even if only one of you wants to come. And noone has to know the real reason you're there. Everyone wants better relationships. Third, whether you can both come along or not, get hold of one of the skills books - "Fighting for Your Marriage" or "A Lasting Promise" - and put what you learn into practice. Practical step #4 Don't be bamboozled by the idea that you need to see a professional. You most likely don't - unless you also have to deal with violence, addictive behaviour or other severe dysfunction. There are now published studies that confirm that trained ordinary couples are as good as or better than professionals at delivering a relationship education programme. You need somebody who's been through trouble and come out the other side. They won't side with you or with your spouse. That's because they are on the side of your marriage. And that's what you really want. I hope this letter gives you some encouragement, some hope and a way ahead. I know all too well from my own experience that it's a truly dreadful place to be when your marriage is falling apart. But I also know that you and your family will be ever grateful that you made the effort to learn how to do marriage really well. I would never have found this out unless we'd bothered to learn. I would never have kept going unless we'd had ordinary couples who kept supporting us and sharing their own stories. If I hadn't tried to learn, I'd be divorced. I wouldn't have resolved the issues that split us apart. I'd have fallen into another relationship that I'd have had great hopes for but equally little clue about. And the chances are I'd have ended up divorced a second time as I never really got to grips with my own unresolved values, attitudes and behaviours. Most importantly, I'd never have found out so much about the wonderful wife to whom I am still married, I wouldn't have the glorious challenge of the six young children we have now, and I wouldn't be writing this to you. Now you go to it. You have a spouse. You don't need another one. Don't throw your marriage away. Trust me when I say you really can fix it and make it better than ever. But you will need a new positive committed attitude, you will need to learn relationship skills that really work, you will need supportive friends who won't cave in at the first sign of your pain, and you will need time to work things out together. God bless Harry Harry Benson,
HOW TO VALUE ONE ANOTHER Kate and I have very different interpretations of love. I show my love to Kate by giving her hugs and by doing the washing up for her. What I really like her to do is hug me and do things for me, such as cook me dinner. I feel really blessed and appreciative when she does these things. The problem is that this is not at all how Kate views love. She shows her love to me by wanting to chat. More than anything she loves hanging out with me or her friends and chatting. Nothing could make her happier than a couple of hours spent chewing the cud. When I chat to her, she feels really blessed and appreciative. What this suggests is that for Harry, the languages of love are TOUCH and ACTIONS. For Kate, the languages of love are TIME and WORDS. Because we are so different, we don't naturally feed love to each other in the way it is best received. Until we recognise this simple idea, love can seem an extremely confusing business. Let's say I sidle up to Kate and wrap my arms around her. "Get off" she says, pushing me away. She feels imposed upon because what she really wanted was for me to sit down and talk through her day. I feel rejected and wary of making loving advances next time. The problem is that we automatically assume everybody else receives love from us in the same way we like giving love. After all, that's how it works for me! According to Gary Chapman, who originated the idea, there are supposedly five love languages. TIME, WORDS, ACTIONS, GIFTS and TOUCH.
Love language is a tremendously simple and powerful idea to explain, learn and apply for your own relationship. You can try it with your kids. It may even give you insight into why your close friends sometimes see things differently. Wherever you bring up the idea, you'll find it will prompt a great deal of discussion and recognition. The trick to finding out anybody's love language is to ask how they love their friends. That's what they do most naturally. The trick to applying this to your loved one is to ask whether you have got it right. After all, everyone is their own expert on their own love language. So it's best to check. HOW NOT TO HURT EACH OTHER If you can label these bad habits and know what they look like, it should become much easier to stop doing them. You become aware of how you hurt one another. STOP signs are the four bad habits you need to recognise in yourself. Think of STOP signs as bugs that are there to be squashed. Bugs are not your fault or my fault. They are bugs messing with your relationship and need to be stopped. The first STOP sign is S = Scoring points. "You did this". "Well you did that". This is not a healthy co-operative conversation. It's become a competition to see who wins. Normally, it's a bit like a table tennis game. Occasionally it can escalate out of control. "You left the cap off the toothpaste". "Well you're not so perfect". "If you don't like it, then leave". The game escalates from table tennis to tennis to warfare. The second STOP sign is T = Thinking the worst. "He's being nice. What does he want?" or "She forgot the cereal I asked for. She doesn't love me" or "He bought flowers. What's he done wrong?" or "She's doing it just to annoy me." Something happens and we assume the worst. Yet being negative is almost never the deliberate intent. Thinking the worst is due to a faulty belief. Explanations are rarely sufficient to change these negative assumptions. The third STOP sign is O = Opting out. "I give up … I just can't win with you … I'm not taking this any more ... I'm off to the pub" Opting out is where one or both people withdraw in the face of a difficult issue. It could be emotional or physical withdrawal. Men tend to opt out more often because they think women are nagging and causing conflict. In reality, women are usually just trying to talk something over. Having opted out of an argument over money, for example, money becomes a more difficult issue to discuss next time. Opting out is so destructive precisely because issues are shut down one by one until there is nothing left to discuss. Then the couple gets a divorce, claiming to have grown apart. Taking time out to calm down is not the same as opting out. It's OK to take a breather to calm down, so long as you return to discuss the issue. The fourth STOP sign is P = Putting down. You can put somebody down in a number of ways starting with character assassination "you moron … you're useless" to the more subtle "you shouldn't think like that … don't worry … don't be sad". Rolling eyes and clicking tongues has a similarly destructive effect. All of these things put others down and invalidate them. Learning to recognise these STOP signs in your own marriage is a good starting point. I don't think I score points or put Kate down too much when we argue. But I do tend to think the worst and opt out. I assume I'm in trouble with Kate unless proven otherwise. In reality Kate tells me that I'm not in trouble nearly as much as I think. Alas it's something I have to live with. No amount of talk convinces me to stop thinking the worst. I also tend to hide away from Kate and the kids more than I should. I opt out because it's safer for me to sit behind my computer screen than to do the difficult stuff of relating face to face. The presence of these automatic STOP signs is bound to reflect my family background. I could lie back and accept this as inevitable and unchangeable. Or I can recognise my bad habits and try to learn better ways of doing things. Researchers say these automatic bad habits are the single most important factor in the early years of marriage. Left unchecked, STOP signs will deepen and grow and consume the marriage over time. Now you know what they look like, not only you can start cutting STOP signs out of your own marriage or relationship. You can help others do the same.
HOW
TO LISTEN When my wife Kate tells me, "you're not listening are you?" she's always 100% right. I can pretend I heard. We all play this game. I repeat what she said. But she knows. The main way she knows I'm not listening is through eye contact. She can't be really sure I am listening when I am looking away from her. I might be distracted by what I am looking at. I might be thinking what to say next. What is very unlikely is that I have both heard and understood what she said. My mind is elsewhere. Another way she knows I'm not listening is the way I reply. Instead of acknowledging what Kate said, I change the subject. For example, Kate says "I'm worried about my friend". I might reply "oh, she'll be alright". In this case I overlooked Kate's feeling and replied about the fact. I almost certainly would have been looking away while Kate was speaking in order to prepare my reply. So when you are talking to somebody but not really engaging fully with good eye contact, the chances are that you are not listening. For example, when you look away half way through listening to what your loved one is saying, you are probably thinking what to say next rather than listening. Your reply will confirm whether this is true. If you change the subject, you haven't listened. Most of the time, it really doesn't matter that people communicate in this way. It's hugely normal to be thinking what to say next instead of listening. But when something really important crops up, such as "I felt really upset with the way you spoke to me the other day", poor listening can turn a simple frustration into a major row quite quickly. "See. He just doesn't understand me!" Next time you have an important issue to discuss that could easily end in a row - or even an issue where you feel the need to be understood without the need for any great solution - a good way to listen is through paraphrasing. Paraphrasing shows that you have both heard and understood what has been said. It went in, got processed, and came out in different form. When you paraphrase correctly what was meant - "so what are saying is that …" - the other person feels understood. It can be even more helpful if you don't quite get the meaning right - "no, that's not quite right, what I really meant was…" In that case the clarification will clear up and remove any loose assumptions. A final caveat. Paraphrasing is not normal behaviour! Most successful couples don't use active listening skills and yet do perfectly well. The reason for using paraphrasing is to avoid having a row when you know you are going to discuss something thorny. A paraphrase out of the blue "so you are feeling really cross" may only make things worse! When you do need to talk and it's a touchy subject, listening with your eyes and paraphrasing can build tremendous closeness and intimacy by allowing each of you to reveal your biggest differences safely. That's communication!
|
How to value one another (Love Languages)